It has been two months since I
took the Bar Exam but the memories of what I went through still linger. I find
it challenging to describe my experience because there really is nothing like
it. In legal jargon, it's called sui generis or a class in
itself. The Bar Exam is sui generis because I can't compare it
with any other. Is it like the final exams in law school? Not at all. Is it the
same with the aptitude tests in major universities? No, not really. Is it like
a whole day of the debate rounds? Not even close. Is it akin to being punched
in the stomach every second? Going through a breakup? Or seeing your house burn
down? Yes. Almost.
In
preparing for and taking the Bar Exams, you suffer physically, mentally,
emotionally, and psychologically. So when friends andmily asked me, "How
was the exam?" I honestly struggled for words... so I just ended up...
crying. Haha! But anyway, here is a very weak attempt to describe the animal
that is the Bar Exam. It's a different experience for every bar candidate but
there are universal sentiments we all share and I think some of them are
written below.
....The
Worst Things
Four Years of Prepartion for a Four-Week Exam
Yep,
that's the prime of your youth right there! “Wasted away” in spending twelve
hours a day studying and being grilled in the classroom. The average law
student spends around four to six years in law school, some even go so long as
eight or ten. That is a lot of blood, sweat and tears. And when you actually
graduate, the battle isn't finished yet. You don't really feel like celebrating
or happily throwing your graduation hats up in the air. This is because the
real fight has just begun. In the next six months, your life will be centered
on nothing but the Bar Review, probably the biggest warfare of your life.
I started mine on the second week of May. It was initially exciting but when
you get to the third month of doing nothing but STUDY, you get extremely bored
and exhausted. Nakakasuka, grabe. I studied from 8am up to 10pm,
usually in my little corner in my rented house. I was alone most of the time
and had no one to talk to but my Mom when she comes home at night. You
sometimes reach a point of being so burned out you despise even the thought of
studying. When that happened to me, I decided to change my study pattern and
move out of my cave. I joined my boyfriend in the library and coffee shops and
studying became a little fun again. The routine and feeling of drudgery can be
a killer. You wake up doing the exact same thing you did the day before and
with almost no social life. The hardest part about the review is
"cramming" everything that I learned in the past five years in just
five months. That is insane if you ask me but that's exactly what we did.
Essentially, you have to finish a book you read for one semester in law school
in just two days during review. My brain literally hurt that time.
The Pressure is Real and Almost Inevitable
Imagine,
all my hard work and sacrifices for half a decade can now be shattered in just
one wrong answer in an exam, in a single stroke of a pen. The expectations of
my family and my entire future is hanging on the balance and you feel this
tension with you in every paragraph you read and every doctrine you're trying
to memorize. What if I don't know the answer to the Civil Procedure question?
What if Commercial Law is too difficult? What if I haven't studied Political
Law enough? What if I fail the bar? What if I will never be a lawyer? Making
sure that anxiety doesn't get the best of you while studying is a skill in
itself.
And
then comes exam day. You walk to your assigned room as if you are walking
towards the electric chair. As you begin to observe your fellow
"convicts", there is a certain look that is etched on their faces and
yours... The look of fear and panic. A lot of my friends said that the first
time they wrote their answer, their muscles refused to move. The tip of the pen
couldn't touch the paper, no matter how hard they tried to write. They were
immobilized by the pressure. And so was I. I experienced something like it
while studying for Commercial Law. I literally had a mental block the day
before. I couldn't understand anything I read for the subject and just before I
went to bed, I had an emotional breakdown. I was literally on the floor sobbing
my eyes out only because I felt like I was going to fail the exam which I
haven't taken yet. It's irrational I know but the intensity of the pressure
just gets to you and you just break.
It Will Suck Your Finances Dry
Let's not talk about law school because I'm sure my parents
spent millions for my education then. The Bar Exam alone costs a lot, I mean a
lot. Enrolling in a review center cost me Php15,000 (Jurists Online Review)
while Erick spent Php18,000 for Ateneo de Davao review classes. The house was
Php10,000 a month, the books and review materials were probably around
Php5,000, photocopies were Php2,000, supplies (like printer, pens, papers,
sticky notes, notebooks, and what not) for about Php4,000, weekly allowance was
Php3,000, dormitory in Manila was Php25,000 for two months and another
Php20,000 for airfare, payments for Bar application and other random expenses
in Manila. So roughly that's Php200,000 in just six months. I probably spent
more. Whew! I know my parents had to sell properties, deprive themselves of
certain needs and made other sacrifices just to afford my review and that's
probably one of the worst things about the bar exam, it drains your resources
in an instant.
You Will Be At Your Worst Shape When Taking The Exam
I tried everything to get healthy and be at my perfect physical condition
before taking the bar exam. I exercised regularly, ate a lot of vegetables
(unwillingly), drank vitamins, and went to see the doctor as soon as my
hyper-acidity was acting up. The day before the first Sunday of the Bar, I made
sure I ate right, I felt relaxed and prepared my sleeping pattern so I would
get a full sleep the night before. But there are just things that are beyond
your control. At 8:30pm on Saturday night, I was already in bed and tried to
sleep. But I couldn't. It was only at 11:00 when I felt sleepy. I dozed off but
woke up at 1:30am and never went back to sleep again. So on the first Sunday of
the Bar, they said the most important Sunday of all four, I only had 2 hours
and thirty minutes of sleep. Fantastic.
Political Law exam in the morning was for almost five hours. We had
30-45minutes of break for lunch and that's where I screwed up big time. I lost
my lunchbox and had to go out of UST to find food. It was a long walk and the
heat was exhausting... I felt so frustrated because I couldn't see any of my
friends nor contact them because our phones were locked down. I was in such a
hurry that the fastest thing I could grab was a chicken croissant and iced tea
in Starbucks. The thing is, I'm not used to meals without rice so this took a
toll on my Labor Law. In the afternoon, at around 3:00pm in the middle of my
exam, I almost fainted. My world was spinning and I had to hold tight to my
chair so I wouldn't fall off. As much as I wanted to pass out or vomit, I grit
my teeth and finished Labor. Lack of sleep, exhaustion from the morning exam
and hunger made the afternoon subject a living hell.
Your Mental Capacity is Pushed To The Limit
During the Bar month, there is what we call "Preweek". That's the
preparation you make the week before the Sunday. This to me is one of the
toughest mental acrobat I had to carry out. After Poli and Labor, I had to
quickly move on from the heartache and physical pains of the day before so I
could prepare for the next exam. I usually spend Mondays just resting, sleeping
and going out of the dormitory to unwind. But from Tuesday to Saturday, I had
to divide my time to study for say, Civil and Tax. That is an overwhelming
amount of information in five days. And the excruciating cycle goes on Sunday
after Sunday. And when the exam day comes, you have to squeeze out everything
that you know just to give the best answer for every question. The time
pressure makes the thinking extra difficult. You not only have to think the
correct answer but to logically explain it in flawless English grammar and
excellent handwriting as well. One of the most heartbreaking things about
answering is when you have studied so hard for a particular topic but it
doesn’t get asked in the exam or when asked, it is phrased in such a way that
you absolutely have no idea how to answer it. These are the times when I
silently breathe out the phrase, “Lord, tabaaaaaang!!!!”
….The Best Things
Character-Building
All the painful polishing becomes worth it because in the end, your character
and discipline shines through. The ability to say no to instant gratification,
to meet deadlines promptly, to persevere in the midst of tremendous trials, and
to come out of it stronger is one of the blessings of the bar exam. When I was
first year in Ateneo Law School, I wasn’t able to meet the grade requirement
and got dismissed after one year because I didn’t know how to persevere. Five
years later in my review, I pushed through every personal struggle and wiped my
tears dry no matter how painful the situation is just to study. I was forced to
say NO to a lot of things in order to say YES to my daily readings. There was
simply no excuse. I learned that this kind of attitude is essential not only to
survive in life but to thrive at it. There will always be drama, tragedies,
heartaches, family problems and other legitimate concerns but after we cry
about it for a time, we should stand back up and move forward.
Learning to Love Learning
I
don’t know about you but I’m such a late bloomer. It was only on my third year
in law school that I truly embraced studying as something that I am passionate
about. This is truer during my six months of review. Because studying for ten
hours a day, six days a week can be so routinary and boring, I had to really
learn how to love learning. On most days, I actually enjoyed the feeling of
understanding something new or mastering a concept I have already known before.
It is quite pleasurable. The physical exhaustion is there (oh yes!) but the
incentive to that is learning something that will someday help save lives or
give liberty to a person in need of it. Studying can be the means to an end,
which is becoming a lawyer yes... But it should also be the end itself, that
is, studying for the sake of studying and actually enjoying the same.
Falling Into the Arms of Your Friends and Family
Since you're
in such a challenging season of your life, friends and family tend to pamper
you a lot. I got so many encouraging messages and even gifts from friends
all over the country. Also, one of the things I am so grateful for is the
support system I found in Cor Jesu Law Bar Operations. They did
such an excellent job in cheering us up, taking care of us and making
sure that every after exam we were fed well and given flowers
(flowersss!!!). It wasnt just a bar operations, it was family.
When you’re answering for the very last exam, that’s when you feel the fatigue
the most. It’s like you just wanna get Legal Ethics done and over with. There
was no happier moment than when I put the pen down, submitted my booklet to the
proctor, walked out of UST with my boyfriend and cousin, and found my family in
the midst of the wild crowd in España. I swear it felt like everything was in
slow-mo. There was massive celebrations all around, with bands, fireworks and
confetti in the air. It was a struggle just to get through the hundreds of
people waiting for the examiners outside. And as I walked towards my sister who
was holding up balloons and flowers, I felt sense of relief... That finally,
its over! Both of us went hysterical and started jumping around in excitement.
Then after two months of being in Manila I finally saw Mommy and Daddy. I saw
just how happy they were to greet me and I almost teared up… They rushed to
embrace me tight and that by far was one of the most wonderful moments of my
life. It made all the month-long torture… absolutely sweet.
Letting go and Letting God
What is the most beneficial thing about the whole experience for me is how it
made me draw closer to God. I personally believe that you can study all you
want, be the top of your class, or memorize every provision in the Codals, but
at the end of the day, God is still sovereign over your performance in the
exam. I never missed a Sunday of going to church when I was still reviewing in
Davao not because I needed favor from God or I want Him to make me a lawyer,
but simply because I needed Him. His presence was the only thing that gave me a
deep sense of joy and peace amidst the terrifying obstacles I faced daily.
Whenever I would have anxiety attacks, I just get anchored in who He is and
draw strength from the assurance that I am deeply loved by my Lord.
The Bar Exam brought me to the lowest points of my life where I was made
desperate for God. The awesome part about it is that He carried me through it
all. Every Sunday morning of the Bar month, I would wake up at 3:30am and just
kneel down in prayer. Without that, I would crumble and fall the rest of the
day. All my fears, my weaknesses, my insecurities and hardships were laid down
before Him at every turn. The Bar Exam has taught me to constantly depend on
Jesus and His sustaining grace day in and day out because that’s how it should
be. Now, even without the exam, I strive to live that kind of life—to be always
dependent on Jesus and trust Him to be in control of it all. Waiting for the
results takes a lot of letting go and letting God too. Every single day, I am
reminded of the upcoming results of the bar and I would feel my heart skip a
beat. But I have come to a point where I just trust Him for whatever the
outcome will be. All I know is that God is good and He is sovereign. And that’s
what gives me a sound sleep at night.
Esteem for Lawyers
Going through the bar exam made me admire lawyers much more, as in
exponentially more! For someone to survive that kind of torture and actually
pass is such a mighty feat. I look at lawyers never the same again after that
“hell month”. Everytime I interact with lawyers, it’s like I wanna bring out
the jologs in me and scream out, “Woooh! Iba ka idol! Pa-fansign!!!” Hahaha!
Because of the bar exams, I couldn’t possibly take this legal profession
flippantly. It takes a lot of mental stamina, discipline and inner strength to
be a lawyer and they have my highest respect. That’s why I no longer easily
believe someone when he says, “bobo yung abugado nay un eh” because really, you
can’t possibly pass the bar exams and be stupid because it can’t be done by
sheer luck. That person is truly intelligent. And that is one of the best
things about the bar exam… It humbles you and makes you feel unworthy of such a
high calling. And now that I am working in the law firm, I get more and more
thrilled in anticipation to be actually called an “Attorney” and actually do
legal action in court. It would be such a treat if that day would come but for
now, all I can do is trust Him and pray, “Lord, tabaaaaaaang!!!”
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