For The Burnt Out & Broken

It still feels very unreal to me now but today I am celebrating my first year anniversary as a lawyer. Twelve months, two law firms, and a hundred pleadings later and I'm finally convinced that I am now an "attorney". I can still vividly remember how I jumped for joy and screamed to the top of my lungs when my friend called to tell me I was on the list of passers. It was an unbelievably surreal moment and even more so when I found out Erick and my cousin passed too.

What followed was the happiest, most amazing three months of my entire 28 years of existence. It was everything I have always dreamed of and then some. Seeing the bliss that was painted across my family's faces gave me an immense sense of fulfillment. Finally, all their hopes and dreams for me have come into fruition. There was no end to the victory parties, congratulatory greetings, and festivities. Everyday was a celebration! Having that 'lawyer' badge gave me so much satisfaction and ecstasy-- my heart was overflowing to the brim. I really couldn't ask for more... or so I thought.

As dramatic as this may sound but nine (9) days ago I hit rock bottom. For no specific reason, I just felt so depressed. My silent tears became inconsolable sobs and I sat on the floor of my room crying like a lost little girl, all alone in my apartment. Even before Sarah Geronimo was in the news for feeling "empty", I was already experiencing such heartbreaking malady. I realized I was so burnt out from all the work, the demands from clients, the feeling of defeat and from chasing deadlines after deadlines. What made it all the more depressing was the fact that I was very ill and feverish but I couldn't even lay my head to rest because of the countless responsibilities I had to take on. I was diagnosed with asthma but contrary to the doctor's advise, I barely rested. There simply was no time to physically heal and this made me feel so overwhelmed. I just wanted to press "ctrl+alt+delete" and just quit everything.

It's a sad reality that after finally getting what I have always hoped and yearned for, I realized that things were not as what I expected them to be. I was quickly growing cynical of the legal practice. I felt like writing pleadings was a drudgery on most days. The inexhaustible hostility between litigants has become so toxic. And it seemed like no matter how much money I was making, it could never compensate for the stress that I had to carry everyday. Other people's problems were my problem too and I was beginning to hate the idea. I honestly thought of leaving my profession and explore other alternatives. Yes, I went to that extent believe it or not.

After quieting my thoughts for a while, I confided to my close friends, including my boss, about what I was going through. I prayed and sought wisdom from the Lord on what to do. Out of all that contemplation and advice I got, one thing was clear: I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK. And take a break I did. I went on a two-day sick leave to see the doctor and actually have some decent sleep. I loaded up on fruits, vegetables and water. When I finally felt stronger I started exercising by going to the beach to swim. That short trip also gave me time to meditate and plan out my life. Although those days away from work seemed "unproductive", I forced myself to relax because I know deep down that this is the best thing I can ever do for my career and myself. True enough, I felt amazing after my hiatus. Today, I got back to the office feeling energized and excited for the work that I had to do, in complete contrast to the mess that I was a week ago. 

So what brought me out of that black hole I was in? The amazing grace of God and these simple yet life-altering lessons I've learned to embrace in the past week. Allow me to share some of them:

1. REST IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. Humans were designed for work AND leisure. There's not only a biblical but a scientific basis as well to the idea that we are to work for six days and rest on the seventh. Resting does not only make you enjoy the fruits of your labor but allows you to be recharged for the work that awaits the next day. There really is a need to stop every now and then and smell the flowers. When I stepped back from all the demands of my profession, I appreciated it even more (quite ironically so). I went back to work missing my desk, excited to listen to clients' problems and looking forward for the next pleading. Okay maybe the last one is a stretch but the point is, rest made me even more productive and appreciative of the tasks I am entrusted with. 

2. BE GRATEFUL IN EVERY LITTLE THING. Seeing all my facebook memories of all the posts about my passing the bar not only made me very sentimental but truly thankful as well. When the hype of victory died down and the honeymoon phase of being a new lawyer ended, I started to be so overwhelmed by the waves of responsibilities and problems thrown at me. I became so stressed out by phone calls, adverse decisions, absorbing the negative emotions of some clients and opponents, and the many deadlines I had to meet. I completely forgot that I actually signed up for all of this when I enrolled in law school. 

Now, I realize that in all my complaints I failed to see that I have so many victories in my cases, so many clients that have been helped, and so many reasons to be happy about being a lawyer. Nothing could compare to the heart-warming moments I have when my clients would extend their sincere "thank yous" every time I help them. And no greater joy is there than in knowing that I am fulfilling God's will for my life. Having an attitude of gratitude sounds like a cliche but it's every bit true. This kind of disposition brings sunshine on the rainiest days and fills you with happiness even amidst all the thousand reasons to frown.  

3. NOURISH YOUR BODY.  My dear friend, Atty. Pinky gave me an unconventional advice in getting out of depression: get your body moving! Actually, studies show that exercise naturally releases dopamine in the brain which promotes positive well-being and even counters negative mental states. This is why I have to go back to the gym asap! My asthma also weakened my body and apparently, it has also affected my emotional state. When my physical condition recovered from the onslaught of colds, fever and asthma attacks, I also felt so much better within. This is why now more than ever, I am  making a conscious effort to eat right, exercise regularly and boost my immune system. I am also cutting down my coffee intake and trying to drink green tea instead. All this is aimed at caring for this one and only body the Lord has given me and using it to glorify Him in the work that I do daily. 

4. NOURISH YOUR SOUL.  No matter how I try to fix my life and have all my ducks in a row, without a personal relationship with Christ, all that means nothing and depression will always be inevitable. My boss who is also my mentor made me realize that my spiritual life has probably taken a back seat the past few weeks that's why I am feeling burnt out. She told  me that no matter how tiring the legal practice is, if we are intimate with God, then nothing could ever be so distressing. We will always have hope, joy and peace. This is primarily why I have overcome that brief season of gloom. I followed Atty. Paulino's advice and I spent quality time with the Lord every single morning and tried my best not to rush my prayer or Bible reading. I also prayed for each case and every client. I depended on God for everything. She also told me that I should never let these cases bring me down. I have to be professional and compartmentalize my personal life and work. Mixing the two will simply have catastrophic consequences. "Don't feel bad when you encounter problems in court or with your clients. Just do your best and glorify Him in everything."

5. GO BACK TO YOUR PASSION. I have to admit, I'm really enjoying my income right now. After all, I was a broke law student for five years before getting regular paychecks. However, money alone is never a sufficient motivation for work. If you want to always work inspired, then renew your passion and retell the story of why you applied for your job in the first place. For me? It was the thought of helping other people achieve justice that makes my heart race and brain working. I strive to remind myself everyday that my work, no matter how mundane and frustrating at times, has a higher purpose and that this is precisely what I am called to do. At the end of the day, if you love your work, and are passionate about it, then there can be no room for burn out. 

Life is simply too short to be spent on wearing ourselves out. Always, always find the time to relish the the many blessings we have and rest in the thought that your work is a gift from above (unless of course it's of a criminal/illegal nature). Enjoy the week ahead and be amazing at whatever your hands find to do! God bless.